Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize