yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
