Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I supernannyed him into submission
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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