Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
