I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
