What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
