So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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