In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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