so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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