You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
