I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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