I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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