my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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