Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
