I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
