belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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