Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
