If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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