I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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