you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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