Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
