so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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