barbara walters just said penis...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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