Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just gargled with NyQuil
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
