Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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