I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
false alarm. still invincible.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize