I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
