i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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