Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
