i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
