fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
