I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
