I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
