Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
