i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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