Your dad touched me again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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