I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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