Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize