The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
