Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
