Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
