There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
