if you like me you must not know who I am
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
