There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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