i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
