i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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