I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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