just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
