i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
