watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
