I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize