Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
