speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize