Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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