I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
