I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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