I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
