the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
