This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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