My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
